Day 28: You’re Not A Mind-Reader…

flickr 'relationships' [aka 'bullshit detector']Each of us are individuals. We all have different wants, needs, desires, and dreams and none of us are so attached at the hip that we can say, with confidence, that we want entirely the same things as the person we’ve chosen to spend our life eating dinner with—it’s simply not possible.

See, what happens when you fall in love with someone is you begin to compromise on the above-mentioned wants, needs, desires, and dreams. You start re-evaluating just how relevant those things are to the life you’ve chosen, and you omit the things that have no place or purpose in your new life.

It’s an action most of us take, willingly, and one that many of us never think twice about until something within said relationship either goes wrong or becomes a source of on-going conflict. It’s only then that we start to wonder about what we “gave up” to be with this person. It’s then that we start to question our compromises and wonder if we’ve made a mistake.

I’m here to tell you, that’s a natural response. Your mind is always given to question, and your heart is always given to doubt—put the two together and the result is, almost always, confusion and speculation.

That said, your job, as a reasonable person with a better than average knowledge of yourself and your relationship, is to be able to separate the bumps from the sinkholes.

Every relationship has bumps. The trick is to remember that having conflict is necessary if you wish to grow as a couple. You have to begin to understand the kinds of things your mate likes and dislikes, where their boundaries exist, and what insecurities still lie within them now that they’ve decided to give themselves to you.

The bumps become ongoing learning opportunities that, one day, lead you both into a healthy level of communication and comfort. It’s only then that you can find the balance that you always hoped to achieve and finally understand how you both fit together.

That said, no one should expect you to be a mind-reader. You are not responsible for deciphering codes and translating emotions into what your mate feels is a desired action. That duty falls on the individual who feels that their needs aren’t being met—not you.

Your role is to be present and willing to build a positive foundation for the direction you want your relationship to go and that requires a team effort.

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